I was looking through the humor section on some old Readers Digest magazines.  I thought, “now this is something I could submit some stories to,  I write as well as these people”.  They pay $100.00 for each entry they publish.  It’s something I might play around with a bit.  Later on I was doing some searches on the computer and found that Readers Digest is actually having a contest for America’s Funniest Family Stories.  I’m sorry but my family, “hysterical”…  I’ve been kind of rolling around ideas in my head the last couple of days trying to think of a really funny story/incident that happened.  Some that come to mind are:

1) After my Dad retired he was bored and found a part-time job at Budget Rent-a-Car.  We all know that he was not the greatest driver, he just didn’t pay attention.  Well one day he was driving down the freeway and the drivers door wouldn’t stay shut.  So as he’s driving, yes, down the freeway, he is hanging out the door trying to pull it shut.  What are the chances, but my sister Cindy was also driving on the freeway and thought who is this idiot in front of me, he’s going to fall out the door and onto the freeway.  “Oh my God, that’s my father”.  What the hell is he doing, she thought.  She immediately called my Mom on her cell phone and begged her to not let Dad drive anymore, he’s a hazard.  Can you imagine the Newspaper Headline, “Daughter runs over father on Connecticut Freeway”.

2) My father being banned from Kentucky Fried Chicken because he refused to leave when they told him that they had run out of chicken (it was a holiday).

3) My father being banned from McDonalds  because he refused to pull forward at the drive thru.  “It’s a drive thru isn’t it”.  I can totally hear him saying that.  As a side note my husband has also been asked to leave McDonalds because he was causing a scene (twice), once because they changed the type of onions they used, the second time because they charged him for extra pickles.  I guess I married my father.

4) My mother taking my Dad’s favorite dog on a one way trip to the Vet’s when he was out of town.  That dog never saw the light of day again.  She decided while she was going she might as well take the stupid cat too.  That story still cracks me up.  Whenever we have a sick animal that we might have to put down we always say “too bad Mom’s not here”.  Sorry Mom, but we do.  Also an amusing side note to this story.  When Mom and Dad were out here a few years ago I asked Dad what he did with all our animals when they died.  We had a lot of critters when we were kids.  Mom chuckled when I asked Dad this.  Straight faced this is what he said,  “I’d put them in the trunk of the car before I left for work, then I’d pull over by the woods, grab the animal by the tail and wing em”.  Oh my God, I’m laughing my ass off right now.  They both sound like a couple of really sadistic people don’t they.

5) My families addiction to “Rolaids”.  My Mom has Rolaids in the cabinet, in the car, in her purse, hell, we all do.  I didn’t really know that we were so crazy for these “tasty tarts” until I went home one year with my husband.  We were all in the car on our way home from eating out somewhere and Mom says “anyone want a Rolaids” and all of us reach out our hands.  No one had indigestion, we just like Rolaids.  After most meals at home, someone will usually go the cabinet and say, you guessed it, “anyone need a rolaids”.  My husband found this hysterical.

6) The Family portrait we did for my Mom one year might be the story that I will put the most work into.  I think its worthy.  My readers will be the judge I guess

7) My husband is a sitcom by himself.  I’ve got a million stories about him.  He’s a combination of Doug Heffernon from “King of Queens” , George Castanza from” Seinfeld” and Larry David from “Curb your Enthusiasm”.  Sorry, honey but I look forward to working on some of your “incidents” as we call them.  I’ve always said I could write a sitcom just about you.  You have some funny shit happen, daily.

The only problem I see with the contest are the following rules.  Stories must not be lewd, obscene, sexually explicit, pornographic, disparaging, defamatory, libelous or otherwise inappropriate or objectionable, as determined by the judges.  I guess my stories are out then, that’s the shit I like to write about.

I really don’t think I have time to do the contest, the deadline is way to close.  But at least it will get my creative juices flowing.


My friend and I went to the massage school yesterday for “cheap” massages by the students.  As we waited to be called, two students came in with their clip boards holding our information.  One male and one female.  My friend and I both looked at each other and smiled with the same thought going through our head, “I better not get the guy”.  I practically leaped out of my seat like I had just won the academy award when the girl said “Sandy”.  I had to smile and chuckle, “sucker”.  Most women do not like a male masseuse, you just can’t relax.  I know sometime in the massage he will be doing my upper thigh, what if he gets to close to “you know”, what if he said with a question in his voice “happy ending”, oh jesus, I’d freak!  During the massage they are constantly taking the sheet and wrapping it in a certain way that only exposes a certain body part that they are concentrating on.  When she had one ass cheek exposed and was kind of slapping it around like a piece of raw dough,  I was so thankful that I wasn’t with the guy.  My ass felt like a bowl of jello “jiggle, jiggle, jiggle” and not in a good or attractive way.  I wonder what thoughts run through their heads.  I know these are some of the thoughts I would have:  “Kill me now”, “is this an ass or a bucket of cottage cheese”, “have you ever heard of something called a sit-up”,  “wow, do you have bad breath”, “look at all this back fat”,  “it would have been nice if you shaved your legs”, “yuck”, “grooosssssss”, “did I thaw something out for dinner”.  Needless to say I will not be looking into this for a career move for myself.

I had a return at Wal-mart yesterday.  And, as I’ve stated on previous blogs, I’ve had some issues with my underwear.  My mother made me feel happy when she stated, with much authority, “your underwear shrink when you over dry them”.  Yes, that must be it!  “My ass cannot be possibly getting bigger, can it”? I bought some new undies just in case.