Dear Jen, 

You know that I like to write and I have so many feelings I need to get out.  Wow, a blog in your memory, I bet your feeling special.  I’ve been on such an emotional roller coaster since Friday morning when I got the call. 

I can’t believe I’ll never see your smiling face again.  When I dropped you off the Airport as you headed off for a new adventure I wish I had hugged you a little bit harder.  It’s so crazy how fragile life can be and how unseen circumstances can change a life. What if the waitress had taken a little while longer to bring you your check, you had ordered something that took a little longer to cook, you didn’t have that cigarette outside that I know you did.  Then maybe that driver that hit you would have already driven down the street and your paths would not have crossed.  

I know that some people believe that we are all predestined to depart this earth at a certain time, I don’t know if I really believe that, there are just to many variables that have to come into play. 

I know that although we didn’t talk about it much you were a bit of a tortured soul that you tried to hide with a smile and a hearty laugh. But, I always knew…

I’m trying to find comfort in the fact that you don’t have to worry about anything anymore.  You don’t have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders any longer.  I know in time I will feel that way.

But, I’m not ready to say goodbye yet.  Can you call me?

I knew the day was coming close and I could feel my anxiety level rising.  I woke up feeling extremely warm and knew that I wasn’t having a hot flash, at least not this time.  Summer has arrived in Southern Nevada. 

I took a deep breath and headed into my closet.  And there they hung,  “my shorts,” taunting me from the rack.  “Would they fit, zip and still fit across my ass,”  I was truly nervous.  I saw the scale in the closet but didn’t dare climb on it, that could put me in a depression all day.  I slipped on a pair that were a little loose  on me last year.  I must have really over dried them before I put them away because honestly,  they did seem a little smaller.  I did that low dipping squat that all women “instinctively know” that stretches our pants a little bit in the hips and thighs.  The shorts now fit, thank God!  

There was a ray of sunlight  that hit my lower leg and I saw all the fur that had grown over the winter.  I gasped in horror, I mean I can’t go out of the house looking like a caveman.  This shit was so long I heard myself humming a Bob Marley tune and thought of spinning out some dreadlocks on my legs.  And the toe hair, where the he’ll did that come from, just kidding. 

I’m happy to report that it’s safe for me to leave the house again.  I hope all you ladies have an easy transition into the summer season.  Sometimes the “maintenance” is just too much, right?

We’ve got a free month with Net-flicks so I’ve been watching all the episodes of this show called “Ruby.” She’s a, “let’s say” extremely healthy size woman who is on a weight loss journey.  She weighed over 700 pounds and has lost over 300 pounds so far.  She is from Savannah, Georgia and “y’all” she’s just likable.  I laid on my couch last night and watched almost every episode on season two.  

“And y’all, my ass was almost as large as Ruby’s when I finally rolled off the couch”. 

It’s hard to believe that today is three years since my Dad passed away.  How can that even be possible? Where has the time gone? I’m a bit of a “kook” who is always looking for “signs/meaning,” to explain and understand life. 

I sit out on my back patio and look at the Calla Lily flower that was secretly growing in my yard when my Dad died.  It chose to make its appearance the week he died with one single white flower.  Every year since it appears.  Last week I saw a single white flower open, there was a second bud that wasn’t quite ready.  It waited until today.

Thanks Dad –

From winds far away

As I hear my fathers voice

A flower grows…

Writer/Poet 🙂