The Funny Side of the Street

Monthly Archives: November 2010

Thank you for being a friend…

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This post is a shout out to my best friend Trish. We have been friends for over 25 years. She was my Air Force roommate and we sure have had some laughs over the years. I can make her laugh so hard she either farts uncontrollably or pees her pants. Come on, what more can you ask for in a friend.

We have been living in different states for such a long time but it’s like no time has passed when we talk. I sent her an email today saying I missed her and we have to talk soon. I thought I would try to capture a funny experience we shared and see if I can capture it in writing. Here goes…


I went to visit her when her husband was stationed in South Carolina. We took a road trip to Myrtle Beach. She was talking about this great restaurant that had all you can eat crab legs. The tables were set up in tiers, almost shelf like with 15 or so tables on each level. I went back up to the buffet for more crab, I then proceeded back to our table and began to eat my food. My friend was not at the table so I assumed she was getting more food. I glance around the restaurant and lock eyes with my friend, she is sitting down a couple of levels and laughing her ass off. I am sitting at someone else’s table, using their silverware, drinking their water. I was so mortified but could not stop laughing.


I’m sure she soiled her pants that day… or worse.

Had me some Tofurky!

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Sorry I’ve been such a slacker with my blogging the last couple of weeks. I’ve been putting in more hours at work, our weather has cooled down, my house was dirty, I was tired, I had to go grocery shopping, my cat needed lots of hugs, my husband needed lots of hugs, I had to do the laundry and my cat needed more hugs, so that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Hey, I also wanted to say thanks to everyone who has been reading my blog and leaving a comment every now and then, (that really makes my day). I’m like a crazy person checking my blog all damn day to see if I have any new comments or followers, don’t laugh because you all know that you are the same. I only have one question; are we all becoming “obsessive compulsive?” Speaking of that, did anyone watch that reality show “OCD?” That was some funny shit. Did I just say that out-loud?, oops! Am I a bad person?


Alright so after all that rambling my subject matter of today’s post is “Tofurky.”


The head of my casino has turned into a major vegan. I don’t know, he saw someone he hadn’t seen in a long time who looked wonderful. This guy told him how his life had changed since he turned “vegan.” He watched a cd and the next day he was converted. So he makes up like 10,000 copies and handed them out to all his employees. Vegetables and I have a tense relationship, I just don’t like em. I’m offended by them, they smell bad, taste bad and give you gas. What’s to like about them? Those vegetables need to keep their distance from me. I’ll mess them up real bad.


We have a buffet style employee dining room at work. They have incorporated a vegetarian section that I’ve been warily checking out lately. Last week I tried a piece of tofu. It was shaped like a small white sponge with a weird shiny gloss like finish. This shit was so nasty. I don’t even know how to describe the consistency I felt while it sloshed around my mouth. It had absolutely no taste either.


So yesterday I decided to go back again to the veggie section and take another peek. They had a sign in front of this strange yellow/brown loaf that said “tofurky.” It was sliced like deli meat so I grabbed me some. I don’t know why but I feel like I have to write like a hillbilly right now. Is tofurky trailer trash food? Me’s not so sure, LOL. I also had me some zucchini lasagna.


I went back to my table and tried to cut my tofurky with my fork and butter knife. I guess we can’t be trusted with steak knives at work. I might run up into the casino and start stabbing some of the customers, cheap bastards that they are. Sorry did I say that outloud too, why do I keep doing that? This fake meat was so tough that I decided to just pick it up and eat it like a cookie. I hate to say it but that shit was good. I did get a few weird looks when I dipped it into my milk glass.

As a side note I’ve actually been incorporating more vegetables into my diet. Dale and I have been doing a lot of grilled vegetables. And I’m kind of digging them. See Mom, aren’t you proud of me? And I’m drinking more milk too.

What time is the maid getting here?

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I was thinking that maybe if I do a post it might get me motivated to clean the house. Those dust bunnies are starting to rub against my legs for attention, why can’t they just stay in their corners. I thought they were afraid of the light.

Ten questions answered

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I was tagged by a new blogger friend (caterpillar) to answer the following 10 questions, her friend had her do it.

1) Why did you create a blog

I took a few creative writing classes over the years and heard about blogging. I did a search online and found out how easy it was to create a “free page.” I found an old girlfriend from when I was in the Air Force (over 20 years ago) on facebook and found out that we were kindred spirits with our writing interest. We encouraged each other and I’ve been blogging steadily since February of this year.

I really get a kick out of seeing my thoughts down on paper. I’m finally (almost) over the insecurity of sharing my thoughts (sort of). I really enjoy writing funny posts but sometimes I show my soft underbelly. I get so excited when I get a comment or a new person starts following me. It can put me in a good mood for the whole day.

2) What kind of blogs do you follow

I’ve only really started following other blogs the last month or so. But so far I like following other woman bloggers who are just kind of stumbling through life, but have the ability to laugh at themselves. I really want to find some bloggers who have retired abroad, that prospect really appeals to my husband and I. I love the idea of that kind of adventure

3) Favorite make-up brand?

Clinque

4) Favorite Clothing Brand

Woolrich

5) Your indispensable makeup product?

Face moisturizer, I’m not real particular on a particular brand

6) Your favorite color

Blue, like the sky

7) Favorite perfume

Don’t wear it too much. Usually something citrus like or earthy tones- . I don’t like flowery smells.

8) Your favorite film

I like a movie that delivers good laughs and a good cry. I think Shawshank Redemption is one of my favorites, I just love the ending. I’m a sucker for a happy/sappy ending.

9) What country would you like to visit

I would love to go to Italy.

10) Write the last question and answer it yourself

Do you want to be published someday?

When I first started writing that’s what I thought about (constantly), how hard can that be. But now, not so much anymore. I’m just having fun with my blog, writing whatever thoughts come into my head, no pressure. It’s all good.

Can you spell C-R-A-Z-Y?

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I was reading someone’s blog that I’ve been following and she was talking about a little “quirk” she has. I told her we all have them. So while I was getting ready for work I was thinking of a few little oddities about myself and thought that might make an amusing blog. So here goes…

1) When I tweeze my left eyebrow it makes me sneeze

2) I hate bright lights, most mornings I just take a shower with the closet light on. I like those muted yellow toned lights and candles around the house.

3) Now this one is going to sound crazy, but hear me out. Sometimes I wonder if spirits are trying to communicate with me. Many times I am woke out of a sound sleep hearing someone say my name in my ear. It used to scare the “crap” out of me, but not so much anymore

4) Along with number 3, I also wonder if I have telepathic abilities. So many times at work I’m thinking about something I want to say to a player (usually something they need to do/or not do) and within 5 – 10 seconds they do it without me ever having to say anything. Come on, that’s kind of weird, right?

5) I can only sleep on the right side of the bed.

6) I never leave the house without a bottle of water. But I do live in the desert so maybe that’s not so crazy.

7) When I’m at a party and I am bored with a conversation that someone is having with me I don’t really listen to them but I act like I do. I nod my head, say “oh really”, say mmmhhhh. But I’m actually not listening to a word they say. But they don’t know – so it’s not rude, right? Dale will always crack up from across the room when he sees me doing this. Sometimes he’ll come up and whisper in my ear – “you don’t even know what this guy is talking about.” Oh and I nod my head quite a bit also.

8) Sometimes when I travel I bring my pillow. “Baby needs her pillow.”

9) I hate when vegetables touch each other on my dinner plate

10) I use a razor when I need to do maintenance on that annoying hair on my upper lip. Before you say, “Oh no you didn’t,” Dr. Oz says its okay and its not true that it comes in thicker.

So, do I need to check myself into the psych ward? I just think that if you can’t laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at. What a boring life it would be if we were all the same.

Now, I encourage you to post a comment and list a few of your “quirks.” Come-on don’t be a chicken… I dare you!

The empty chair

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I was reading a post about things that touched you today and it made my hands start to itch to get my thoughts down on paper, well on the keyboard I guess. Little things in life really touch me. This morning my cat was so cute I just wanted to stay home and hug him all day, he touches me with his unconditional love.

I was driving down my street this morning and there were a bunch of birds at the bottom of my neighbors driveway enjoying the runoff water from his lawn recently being watered. When I see something in nature that inspires or touches me it’s almost like I see it as a snapshot through a camera lens. It was quiet, peaceful and it kind of moved me. I saw the same thing yesterday and was hoping to see it again today as I pulled out of my driveway.

I drive by this house on my way to work that I always look at, its just part of my morning routine. There is an older couple that lives there and on warm days I will see them sitting on their porch in their old chairs having coffee and reading the morning paper. I don’t see the woman anymore and it makes me really sad, I worry she has died. I still watch for him but don’t see him outside as often, he’s never sitting in his chair anymore. They are part of my life now and I worry about him, this stranger that I do not know but care deeply about.

How did I get here?

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Do you ever think about how you got to where you are at in this “so called life?”

I’m an aspiring writer living in Las Vegas – trapped in a Poker Dealer’s Body. HELP! Is this the “Invasion of the body snatchers.” How did I get here?

I’ve done so many different “follies” as my husband calls them over the years trying to figure out what it is I’m destined to do. It’s been quite the interesting ride to say the least.

Let’s see, last year I decided that I was going to be an X-ray tech so I signed up for two classes at UNLV. That didn’t take long to realize that this is “not my cup of tea.” It was way more involved than I thought.

The year before that I decided I was going to be a dog groomer (I love dogs) so I went to Dog Grooming School. No one told me I was going to have to squeeze anal glands, I didn’t sign up for this, GROSS! That is one shitty ass smell, literally. Looking back I do realize that I wasn’t very good at it anyway. My best friend told me after I finished with that “adventure” that dog grooming is a job that prisoner’s do.I know that’s not true but it did make me laugh.

When we first moved to Las Vegas I thought I wanted to be a schoolteacher. I found a very expensive preschool to volunteer at. After a few days of that I decided I hate kids. This one little bitch, all right she was only 4 years old, but she was a bitch. She had her hands on her hips and points her finger at me with a major attitude and says, “I don’t have to listen to you, you’re not my mother.” I body slammed her right against the jungle gym, just kidding. My schoolteacher interest definitely fell by the wayside after that stint.

So, it is so refreshing to me that I finally feel like I found something I love to do. Who new I loved to write, I sure didn’t. It just puts me in a such a happy place when I’m blogging. I can be totally exhausted but as soon as my hands start flying across the keyboard I’m wide awake with sort of a buzz on and a happy little smile.

I look forward to making some friends through blogging. I love reading other people blogs, I love how supportive bloggers are of each other, I love how they take the time to comment on what we’ve poured our heart and souls into.

See you in “Blogosphere”, happy travels to my friends that I know and the new ones I hope to meet.

Sandy

"Please don’t take my Crocs away"

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Am I the only one who finds Jarod from the Subway commercials so annoying. Man, how long can this guy milk it, I mean really. Talk about finding a niche and “working it.”


When I find a product that I endorse I will shout about its greatness from the rooftops. I pity the fool who says anything disparaging about “my love.”


We have a new boss taking over the Poker Room this week. I hear she is a real stickler for professionalism (I hate her already). We’ve all become a little lazy in our appearance at work over the years. Our uniforms aren’t looking quite as crisp and clean.


I know that my shoes, my love, my Crocs are looking a little disheveled and not very professional. I’ve been out all week trying to find new, comfortable, dressier shoes with no luck. Nothing is as comfortable as my Crocs, I’m just not ready to end our love affair.


So imagine my excitement when I burst out of bed this morning with one of my “great ideas,” at least I thought so. All-right go with me on this one. Crocs are made out of rubber, tires are made out of rubber why can’t I just use Amoral on them, give them that spit shine look. And it actually worked, they look like patent leather shoes like I had when I was a kid.


So, tomorrow when all my peeps say they are happy I got rid of my Crocs and got new shoes, I will just smile to myself, it’s our little secret, right?